So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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