I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
