I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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