You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
