I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
