i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
