tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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