i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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