I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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