Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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