Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize