I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
