No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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