My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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