hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
