He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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