Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
