I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
