Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
