fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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