You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
why do cheetos always look like penises
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
