your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
