can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
