Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize