i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
