I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
