Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
