So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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