DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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