My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
