i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I'm getting married
To pizza
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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