I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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