tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Randomize
