I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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