you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
