____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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