There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
