man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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