I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
