in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
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