Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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