I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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