sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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