wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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