it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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