My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
