Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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