3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
