Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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