omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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