So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize