I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
