if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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