I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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