Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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