I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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