I'm sorry my penis didn't work
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
