everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
