I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
