I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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