I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
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