They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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