Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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